Odi et Amo
by Hadasah
Summary: Ichigo's hollow allows Grimmjow to take control of his body; but what does Ichigo really want? WARNING:NONCON/ANGST/TRAUMA.


_Rape is rape. Even if you are screaming in ecstasy and holding someone to you, if you say no, if you think 'no'; it is rape. I wrote this to personally exorcise some demons and also to explore the psychology of the raped, and the rapist. So many victims are ignored or ridiculed for their attack. "If you enjoyed it, it obviously wasn't rape- you're just frigid." Or, "you were asking for it, besides, they made you come, so it couldn't have been that bad." These are lies. These are the words of people who want to deny that sexual assault happens, and that the victims have faces; especially they wish to deny rape when it happens to a friend. How do you treat a friend who has been raped? Do you question their sexuality? The fragility of their mental state? Do you believe that they were raped, or do you suspect they are simply ashamed they slept with that person, and wish to press the 'blame' onto them?_

_I don't explore these questions directly, but these are things I want readers to consider as they examine this piece. I don't mean to start discussions and arguments about the 'justice' of rape, or of the 'sick' people (i.e., me) who write about rape. I will say this; I have personal experience with this topic. I will never forget it. But writing things like this, examining the situation in a mock setting, one where I can see from both perspectives, makes me realize- It was NOT. My fault. I did not ask for it. I was not a 'slut'. Yes, I may have enjoyed earlier attentions, but just because you say 'yes' at first does not mean 'no' does not mean 'no' later. _

_This story is not meant to glorify or sexualize rape. It is not meant to make people say, oh, it's ok if I/they/he/she enjoyed it._

_This is a piece you can read and hate, read and love, or simply read this note and turn away. _

_I want no flames. I want no one telling me 'you don't know' or, 'if you hate rape, why are you writing a story that makes you think about it?' It is my business why I have written this story, and I have explained that it helps me understand my own emotions. If it offends you or upsets you, I encourage you to cease reading. I am asking no one to read this story if rape is not a subject you want to read about._

_This is for me. Not for you. I am not one-upping you. If you were abused, I am sorry. If you were raped, I am so sorry you were stripped of your rights. _

_But this is not a story I will apologize for. _

_Emotions and art explore topics people are afraid to breach; this is my way of confronting my remaining guilt._

_If I had done this… If I hadn't walked with him here… If I hadn't said this…N__o. __What happened, happened because they made a choice. They made the choice to ignore my wishes, to deny me an equal, sex positive experience. _

_If you've been raped or abused or feel someone you know is being raped/abused, call someone. Tell. Someone. _

_Because the worst thing you can do is turn your back on someone you see suffering. Don't say "that's terrible" and change the conversation. Don't say "you're overreacting; you just didn't know you wanted it." __Help them. Yes, it may involve you in an unhappy, even dangerous, situation. But leaving that person alone to suffer in that unhappy, possibly dangerous situation where they may be repeatedly exposed to more abuse is merely assisting their assailant. _

_If you still wish to read my story, I am happy to share with you. If you have decided not to continue, I respect your wishes and understand not all readers will 'get' why I've written this piece. _

_In any case, here is my story, read if you desire. And if not, no one will judge. It is after all, free will._

_Please, if you are underage, exorcise caution for yourself. I know I have no way of keeping you from reading this, but I want you to go into this understanding this is not a 'smut' or 'lemon'. _

Warnings: anal sex, fingering, rimming, biting, blood play, non-consensual sex/rape, angst, psychological trauma

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><p><strong><em>Odi et amo<em>**

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><p>Grimmjow fought viciously, but with my mask on, I was able to match his speed. Just as I thought I might have the upper hand, he sneered, landing heavily on the sand before gripping his sword before him and, eyes locked with mine, roaring out for his Zanpakuto. Fear curdled in my stomach as his reiatsu rose.<p>

"Grind, Pantera!" His dangerous blue eyes vanished behind a wave of reiatsu and dust that crashed around him frantically, driven by the explosive force of his spiritual pressure. When he emerged, the urge my hollow mask pulsed through me was hardly recognizable. It was the need to submit. To roll and show my throat to this dominant, aggressive male and let him mount and take me however he wanted.

I rebelled against the sensation, gritting my teeth behind my mask and blocking his blows as they fell on my body, fighting the heat and lust that spread each time he made contact.

When his clawed hands buried into my stomach, one on each side, I wanted to grab him and pull him closer, bury his arm inside me so he could feel how my insides pulsed and quivered with need. He jerked back the instant he felt my shock wearing off, however, his face splattered with my blood.

I felt a definite twitch in my hakama at the set of fangs that lined his sharp jaws. His tongue, long and slender, darted out to trace the shapes of liquid that lay across his face, and I couldn't help the small groan that left me as I felt -with shame and burning embarrassment thankfully invisible beneath my mask- myself grow wet, staining my thighs and hakama.

The instant my groan trailed through the air, his head snapped up, nostrils flared as he scented the winds that carried towards him. Cursing, I reared back and raised my reiatsu, unleashing a sharp, quick, sloppy getsuga tenshou, hoping to throw him off the source of the undoubtedly –from a cat's point of view- delectable smell.

It didn't work.

His grin widened another few molars and he lifted his hand to lick every last bit of my blood away as he stalked through the air towards me. With one hand, he dispelled the getsuga and lunged through the two waves that sped away from him, broken and weak. Unable to comprehend what he would do, I darted away, face desperate beneath my mask as I felt his claws drag through the ends of my long black haori, just barely missing me.

"Come here, Shinigami," Grimmjow roared, ears up and forward in what my hollow recognized as the dominant's signal to its submissive to present themselves to him, belly up.

I lunged away and dropped towards the ground as his claws raked through my hair this time, four stinging lines across my scalp telling me how close I'd made it. "You can't run forever, Kurosaki. When that mask breaks I'm going to throw you down and fuck you till you can't move!"

My hollow growled even as I felt my chest tighten anxiously, afraid of letting this creature near me. Four getsugas and one destroyed shirt later, I lay panting against one of the red columns, clutching one of his hands to keep it away from me. With my other hand, I braced Zangetsu's blade against his free hand. He held the sword away with his bare claws, keeping it steady and useless to me between our bodies.

He smirked as he pressed closer, forcing me to drop Zangetsu lest I wish to lose my right leg at the hip. The instant my blade was gone, his hands moved in a blur and Zangetsu buried in the sand a hundred yards away. His attention returned to my body, one clawed hand wrapping around my throat as he leaned in to kiss me, biting at my lips and dragging his tongue through my mouth with fiery possession. Unwillingly, my mouth opened under his; I fought against my hollow, hating the feeling of helplessness against his power. My hands, pulling and shoving at Grimmjow, didn't even move him. He reached down and tore through my fundoshi and the ragged remains of my hakama, throwing them away into the sand.

Grimmjow lowered his left hand to the wounds in my stomach, pushing three fingers in, making me gag and grimace, soaking them in blood before he grabbed my ass in one hand, spreading me open and with the other, forcing those three bloodied fingers deep inside me.

I was so glad Orihime couldn't see us behind the dust and broken columns as I screamed like a woman, his claws tearing through my rectum, shredding the passage, I was sure. My fingers slipped over the thick plates on his shoulders, trying to gain purchase, something to ground myself against the pain. Then the fingers retreated, leaving me in sobbing, empty agony for one moment before I was filled again with something two times as thick and what seemed to be infinitely longer. It pulsed with heat and I groaned aloud as his hands forced my hips down to meet his white plated ones, his thick cock hilt deep inside me, long, hardened, backward facing barbs further tearing my passage as he pulled out completely and thrust back in, balls deep, in one long, ragged motion.

All along my insides, I felt long seams open that stretched and pulled with the constant motion of his body pummelling into me, tearing me open from the inside. Grimmjow leant forward, his teeth running over the breaking remains of my mask before he dragged his mouth over mine. It was strange; he hesitated to touch our lips together, and yet he was penetrating me below openly, even against my screaming protests. My voice caught as he kissed me, his tongue slender and rough, twining around mine even as I tried to close my mouth against him. Biting down on his tongue, I finally managed to get him to jerk back, his blood staining both our lips.

In retaliation, Grimmjow lifted my other leg, wrapping them both around his waist and surging forward, pushing me so I was trapped between his body and the pillar. His thrusts stopped for a moment as he pulled back, looking at my panting, human face.

Now that the mask was gone, the lust and intense heat I'd felt for him was gone too, leaving only the throbbing pain of him buried in me dry but for my blood. Grimmjow was staring at me, his slitted blue eyes scanning my body, trailing down between my legs where he glared at my soft penis as if he could punish it for its defiance.

He rocked his hips forward, pushing me back; I expected to grind into the wall again, instead, I felt his arm around my hips, cool plates supporting my lower back. Grimmjow had done something, lessened his spiritual pressure; the barbs on his penis had retreated and he'd become slightly shorter inside me. It was much easier to take his full length now, even when he pressed in as deep as he could there was only a small, sharp pain when he was fully seated.

Grimmjow's hips circled mine, coaxing himself out of my body and sliding back in, rubbing somewhat painfully against my raw skin. On the last quarter of his circular movement, the top of his penis ran over something smooth and hard within me. I'd never felt it before, but the surge of pleasure was so intense it hurt and I let out a short, sharp scream at the sensation, my passage tightening unintentionally around him. I felt myself go hard in an instant and turned bright red at my body's betrayal.

He paused and I could feel his stare even with my eyes closed and my face hidden in his chest. My hands had somehow found their way around his waist to grip his back under his arms, my nails scraping uselessly against the plated armour of his body.

"Like that, Kitten?" His low voice rumbled next to my ear and he slipped a hand between us, guiding himself back inside me to that spot, the head of his penis stabbing into it as he pressed deeper.

Unable to silence it, I let out a long moan, my cheek pressed against his collarbone. His face rubbed against mine, guiding my face until it pointed up towards his own. I opened my eyes, ashamed to feel several thick tears coarse out of the corners of my eyes into my hair, unsure if they were of pain, pleasure, or humiliation. Grimmjow didn't seem to mind, his tongue darted out and tasted the salt on my cheeks, his eyes closing as he inhaled my scent. He seemed to want to chance being bitten again, his mouth brushing over mine.

"Kiss me," he hissed against my lips. I shuddered as he pressed into me gently, – even now, when I could tell he was measuring the force of his penetration, it was near agony - that spot was throbbing from the attention his cock was giving it. Something teased my entrance, next to his member, and I clamped myself around Grimmjow, ignoring the pain. I was not letting him put whatever was stroking my already stretched skin inside me. Grimmjow didn't seem to mind, swishing what I now saw was his long, plated tail behind his legs, his mouth and his hips still leisurely pressing into mine. He seemed to have abandoned his dominant, aggressive mood and now seemed keen to see me open up and cry out in pleasure instead of pain. Either way, I was more humiliated than before at my body's stout betrayal. He was raping me. It shouldn't feel _good_.

My penis twitched as his abs rocked against my front and I dug my fingers uselessly against his skin, gritting my teeth to silence my growing arousal.

Grimmjow's hands cupped my ass, rocking me closer and pushing deeper. He stilled, hilt deep inside of me, as he pulled back, an inch between our mouths.

"Kiss me and I'll make you come. I won't hurt you anymore, Kitten," he promised, although I knew it was only half true. It would hurt. Even now, not moving, it hurt. But the prospect of coming was an attractive, if humiliating one… Slowly, anticipating a sudden turn around in his mood, for him to suddenly plunge into my body like he had at first, I lifted my face towards his, feeling the cool smoothness of his mouth before I pressed my lips to his. Grimmjow responded enthusiastically, careful now not to gag me with his tongue, allowing me to somewhat control how deep he explored my mouth. His hands came up around my face, one sharp nailed thumb stroking my cheekbone, his fingers cool and relaxing against the nape of my neck.

Even through the wonderfulness of the kiss, I was getting uncomfortable with the lack of movement and the stagnant sensation of fullness below. If I told him to pull out now, it would probably enrage him. I needed him out of me though; I could feel my body aching, unfamiliar with this new use it was being put to. Slowly, I brought my hands lower, wrapping my arms carefully around his waist, the tips of my fingers grazing the top of his ass, unintentionally sweeping over the base of his tail. He pulled away from my lips sharply, a thin trail of saliva joining us for a moment before he licked it away, his eyes half-lidded. After a moment of stillness, he nuzzled my face in such a cat-like fashion it was unnerving; I could feel the swish of his tail just beneath my fingers, the hot desert air washing over my hands and legs wrapped around him. Nervously, I waited until he took charge of the kiss again, pressing his tongue inside my mouth; the moment he did, I took a deep breath through my nose and attempted to relax my ass, grimacing at the feeling of letting him slide out slightly before I rocked his hips close again with my hands. I didn't want him inside of me again, but letting him slip out of my body was not a good thing; even now, with his reiatsu calm and coaxing, I knew it would not take much to rile him up again. The continuous throbs my insides gave me reinforced this urge, and I relaxed further, letting his cock slide deeper until I could feel cold plates against my backside.

Grimmjow's tongue retreated and he gave me several closed mouth kisses, savouring my lips before he nipped the underside of my jaw. His eyes glittered and the corners of his mouth drew up as he regarded me curiously.

"Grimm…jow," I breathed, letting him slip out of my body again. This time, without my help, he thrust back inside me, his eyes closing momentarily as I tightened instinctively around him.

He pulled out suddenly, making me yelp as he gripped my body and knelt, taking me to the sand and spreading me out over the hot, shifting surface. He rolled my body carefully in his clawed hands; giving up on the idea that I could overpower him or get away, I let him manipulate me, shivering as his claws ran over my hips as he lifted me onto my knees, my chest still pressing into the sand.

I expected him to plow into me, force my body open and hold my hips in place so I couldn't get away. Instead, I jerked forward a little and glanced back nervously as I felt the sharp, smooth edges of his teeth and jaws gliding over my ass. His breath washed over my skin and I dug my fingers into the sand, grasping handfuls of tiny pebbles and dirt, grounding myself against the dizzying sensations. I yelped as his claws dug into my wrists suddenly as he reached around my body on either side, pulling my hands back.

"Open yourself up," he hissed, his voice low again, but the threatening tone from before was gone. It took me a minute to realize what he wanted, but when it hit me, my face turned bright red and I wished seriously that I still had Zangetsu, or had the strength to throw Grimmjow off. Part of me though…wanted to spread my legs for this dominant hollow. It was there, definitely active now from Grimmjow's ministrations and the now-dormant hollow inside me; I was reluctantly curious about this unfamiliar…activity.

Slowly, I slid my hands up the backs of my thighs, my muscles quivering as I took a deep breath and spread my cheeks apart, knowing Grimmjow was only inches away from my most vulnerable place.

True to my expectations, the minute I was exposed and open, Grimmjow was there, his hands gripping my thighs beneath mine as his tongue delved past my damaged entrance. I grimaced at the slight sting his saliva made against the open wounds inside me; I remembered then, with a kind of ironic huff, that carnivores had acidic saliva, which was probably why Grimmjow's stung slightly inside me.

It had only been one or two minutes of his face buried between my legs, his tongue deep inside me, when I began to notice something; the pain of his saliva had disappeared. Deeper inside, I could feel the long seams his barbs had opened thinning, then sealing as Grimmjow's tongue passed repeatedly over them. He pulled back slightly, his tongue only half inside me now. Normal, humanoid fingers pressed at my entrance; this time, he waited, measuring the half-nervous, half-aroused flutterings my body made. I felt myself open, gape for one moment, and Grimmjow's fingers replaced his tongue, pressing firmly up against that smooth, hard place just inside me.

"Oh god!" I screamed, my hands slipping on my backside as my body convulsed.

"Keep holding," his voice snapped, tense with concentration and what I couldn't deny as pure lust. There was no fury in his voice now, no threat of death or torment; if it was even possible, this new side of him terrified me even more. I could deal with a killer. I couldn't deal with someone tenderly opening up my body, licking my insides and stroking my skin without tearing it open.

His fingers twisted in me, spreading apart to let his tongue back inside. I groaned at the additional width; though it was nothing compared to Grimmjow's released form it was still uncomfortable now that he had healed me.

I realized then that he'd most likely only healed me for his benefit; it would probably feel better to be wrapped in a tight, smooth channel than to slide loosely along a damaged passage. This thought soured my arousal and I twitched, my muscles attempting to force Grimmjow's fingers out.

"Stop that," he growled, his fingers thrusting deeper, past the muscles attempting to dislodge them.

"Get out of me," I snapped at him, my head clearing somewhat. He was dangerous. This was dangerous. I could barely control myself, and it took all of my acting and bravado to keep up my dangerous looking expression under the stimulating waves of his reiatsu. I moved my hands away from my ass and lifted myself so I sat back on my knees. I twisted my head to face him, trying to ignore the fact that his fingers were still inside me.

In this position, I was kneeling within the 'v' his own spread knees made, one of his hands buried in my ass, the other wrapping around my hips and pulling me flush against his abdomen. "Why would I do that, Strawberry?" His voice purred in my ear, his soft hair brushing over the sides of my neck as I arched my back to get away from his fingers, which were mercilessly tapping against my sweet spot.

"Because…you're raping me," I managed, my voice weak. It was a crime. It felt terrible. I felt terrible.

"I know," he replied, his fingers leaving me.

His answer didn't surprise me and I struggled to quell my voice as he pressed again on my spot, his tongue sweeping under my ear against my pulse. Why couldn't he try to kill me? This was so much worse. I'd never even kissed a girl, let alone a boy.

This… he was unknowingly and undoubtedly, (even if he knew) uncaringly, taking all of my firsts. My stomach twisted and nausea rose in me at the sudden sadness that welled in me. He was taking everything from me.

"Then stop," I hated myself for begging, but my body was still bleeding from his earlier wounds, and the sex we'd already had had completely exhausted my remaining energy. I couldn't hope to physically overcome him.

"Tell you what, Berry-tan; if I can't make you cum in three minutes, I'll stop." I felt his lips moving against my throat as he spoke.

I couldn't let him do any more. It was too much already. I didn't know if I could mentally handle having him inside me again. I didn't know what I would _do_.

"Ichigo." I stiffened. I'd never heard him call me that. At least, never in that tone of voice. It was so strange that I didn't resist as one of his hands cupped my jaw and lifted it so my head draped over his shoulder. I raised my eyes and saw that he was looking down at me, his eyes hungry, his mouth was slightly open. He was panting, his tongue still half cat-like. He had mostly, however, returned to his regular form, his ears and body plates were gone, as were his tail, long hair and extra markings. I stared at him as he, in return, licked his lips and returned my gaze, staring down the length of my body.

His free hand returned to my lower regions. He wrapped his hand softly around my penis, squeezing the base and twisting just slightly near the head. I let out a heavy, shaking breath at the feeling. "Stop," I pleaded, grimacing at the sound of my voice. It wasn't even convincing me. Grimmjow's teeth gritted and he seemed to decide something.

"I'll let you ride me," he offered, his other hand brushing my lips.

Uncertain still, I contemplated his offer. It couldn't be any worse than what he'd already done… and this time, I would have a little bit of control. I knew I had no chance of stopping him taking what he wanted. Ashamed, I knew I wanted to feel pleasure, even if it meant letting the Espada rape me again.

Finally, I gave an imperceptible nod of my head and turned my body to face him. He slipped his fingers out of my ass to let me turn completely. I stared down between us at his length, noting the thick drops of pre-cum that slowly trailed their way down to his base. I felt a strange compulsion grip me from within, something that reminded me of getting possessed by my inner hollow. Undoubtedly, this was a trait remaining from the use of my mask; the urge of a submissive, weak hollow to entreat itself to a possible protector. I wanted so much to deny it, to make myself refuse his offer, his…deal…

I could scream, call out Orihime's name… but then, she would be at Grimmjow's mercy…My reiatsu wavered and I recognized my hollow's presence, testing my resistance. My resolve hardened and I quelled the darker spirit.

No…if Orihime came now and I was forced to protect her… I could hurt her.

I realized the only option left for me. Carefully, so he would know what I was doing, I moved my right hand towards his length, slowly wrapping around his base. Torn in two -my human side cringing at my departure from dignity, my hollow side rejoicing in the heat in my palm- I closed my eyes, trying to block out the image we made; my pale hands wrapped around him intimately…willingly.

Grimmjow groaned and rocked his hips forward, his head tipping back slightly. "You should get me wet," he said, his eyes half closed, watching my tentative movements lustfully.

Shame filled me and I flushed, avoiding his gaze. I knew what he meant. I lowered myself slowly to my elbows, my face leaning against the base of his abdomen, one hand bracing myself against his thigh.

"Kitten," he groaned again from above me, his hands sliding across my shoulders and squeezing the muscles there before lifting my face to look at him.

I closed my eyes, hiding the wet I knew gathered in the corners. He drew close, his breath ghosting over my face before he pressed a kiss to my mouth. "Don't cry, Ichigo. I want you too," he whispered against my lips.

"I know," I choked out before I could stop myself. His fingers combed through my hair before pulling me up towards him. Skilfully, he raised my body slightly, extending his legs and setting me back down on his thighs, our cocks pressing together between us.

"Don't cry," he said again, his fingers lifting me. I felt the strong pressure at my entrance and grimaced, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder.

"Grimmjow," I pleaded, uselessly.

His breath came as a growl in my ear and I felt his fingers move between my legs, slick with his spit. I didn't resist him. Grimmjow deftly slid a finger inside me, probing. "Three minutes," he whispered in my ear. "Starting now."

I whimpered against his skin and reared back, my spine arching as he pushed two more fingers inside me, careful to position them so they pressed hardest against my sweet spot.

"I…don't want…" I panted, lifting myself upright, using his shoulders as leverage. "I'll do anything. Just…not this, please."

I heard him breathing, softly, evenly, his heart steady against my palms. "I promised you, didn't I?" He finally answered, his tone unreadable.

Grimmjow's hands lifted my legs so my knees were under his arms, making my lower body easier to access. He met my gaze as he licked his hand, pausing momentarily as he took in the conflicted expression on my face.

I felt his hand moving around himself, brushing against the backs of my thighs. Then he was pressing inside me, his cock pushing open the ring of muscle, the thickest part straining against my body's defences. I waited for him to push me down, to force himself into me.

He didn't. I groaned and my body throbbed, relaxing; he slid inside me, all the way in with no resistance until I sat fully against his thighs, the soft blue hair between his legs brushing my cheeks.

Grimmjow met my eyes, his hands sliding over mine and placing them on his chest. I stared at him as he lowered himself, his head cushioned on the sand. His throat lay before me, bobbing as he swallowed. He gazed at me, his hands moving to my waist.

"Two minutes," he whispered, licking his lips. I felt his knees lift behind me, his feet digging into the sand, bracing himself. I closed my eyes, waiting for the first thrust. It didn't hurt, but it knocked the breath out of me as I was jolted forward, forced to brace myself against his chest, my palms flat on his skin. He hissed, gritting his teeth as I slid back down his length, our hips meeting before he jerked himself up again, pushing deep before my body's momentum made him slip out.

It felt good. It felt _so_ good. I screwed up my face, trying to decide what I wanted, what was right anymore. His hips rocked me forward again and I forgot my confliction. "Grimmjow, oh…god," I panted, falling forward. My hands dug into the sand on either side of his shoulders, my face buried in his collarbone. His hands slid down my body to grip my hips, moving them down to meet his upward thrusts.

Grimmjow groaned into my ear, his cock throbbing inside me as his stomach tightened. "I love you, Ichigo. You're the only one who makes me like this."

I stiffened all over, shocked. His next thrust met resistance and I keened as he shoved painfully past my tightened muscles. Grimmjow's hands stroked my hips and I relaxed again. His thrusts increased, his pace growing faster, his cock sliding audibly in and out of my body.

_I love you_.

Why…

"Why?" I asked, tears spattering his skin. My cock was so close to exploding, rubbing between us.

"Why…what?"

"Why…did you… heal me? Why... are you... raping me? What do you want?" I was screaming, my words turning into garbled nonsense as he flipped me over, my legs over his shoulders, his hands braced against the sand by my ribs. My body bent in half, he pounded into my body, his panting matching the timing of my screams.

His mouth found mine and he kissed me, his tongue tangling with mine. I was crying, wrapping my feet around him, burying my hands in his hair. "More- god, harder, Grimmjow, please, fuck….GRIMMJOW!"

He surged forward, his body grinding into mine and I felt his orgasm surge into me, hot and wet as his teeth locked around my pulse. "Fuck... you're mine, Ichigo."

I screamed, exploding; my cum drenched my stomach and his chest, tears flowing freely now. He didn't pull out, instead, he clutched my body to him and sat back, folding his legs and sitting me on them, my legs draped over his hips. My back heaved as I cried, my stomach rolling as I felt wetness begin to seep out from inside me.

Grimmjow's hands wrapped around me; one arm around my waist, his hand reaching up to cup the back of my head, the other was rubbing my lower back, massaging in circles.

My sobs gradually died down and I hiccoughed painfully against his wet shoulders. "Kill me, just kill me," I begged, clutching him.

"You're my mate now, Ichigo. No matter what, you're mine. I won't let anyone else have you." He was so deceptively sweet, his voice soft in my ear. A breeze gusted past us, cooling the semen on my stomach and stirring our hair. "Hollows mate for life," he whispered against my lips.

"Mates…don't hurt each other," I whimpered, shifting my hips uncomfortably. Surprisingly, Grimmjow reached down and slowly pulled his length from my body. His fingers dipped inside me and he brought them up, looking at the white fluid that stained them. "Good. You're not bleeding."

"I was earlier," I said listlessly, too tired to feel the anger.

"I know. But I fixed that," he insisted, shifting my body on his legs.

"Yeah. So you could have a tight hole to fuck," I snapped, my voice thick with tears again.

"The first time is always blooded, Ichigo. It's how I know I've taken your virginity. The second time is gentle, to complete the bond. It wasn't just for me," he added, his hands tender on my bruised hips.

I shook my head, closing my eyes. I wanted to disappear, to vanish everything around me. "Just kill me, please," I whispered. Somewhere above, Orihime and Nel waited to see me emerge, victorious. There was no way now that I could ever find the courage to return to them.

"Never." He turned my face to his, his hands soft on my tear-stained skin.

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><p><em>Well, such is my piece. It was a two hour story, so I understand if it's missing pieces or parts feel rushed.<em>

_I may go back and retouch or edit this story but for now, it suits the purpose I set out for it._

_I hope you enjoyed it, or at least, read it and found something to think about._

_Review, or not. It's really up to you._

**I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.**

**- Edgar Allan Poe**

__P.s. the title refers to the famous poem Catullus 85, written by the roman poet Catullus for his mistress Lesbia about the conflicting emotions he feels for her (i.e., I hate, and I love).__


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